This post is the most useless stupid rant on this whole webpage so far, but hey, it’s my personal blog-slash-diary, and I’ve been feeling on and off like a piece of crap as of late, so that’s why we have what we have here.
In no way is this guide based on real events. It would be terrible to work in a company where the following recipes for disaster are practiced, wouldn’t it?
If you’re the boss
- Don’t act like one… No, seriously. Everyone knows already that you’re the Big Guy, so why bother bossing people around? Don’t you ever distribute any tasks! Don’t even discuss or question the tasks the team members assign themselves. Just let the people run in circles, pretending to work hard. Half of your subordinates won’t work in any case, by the way. Eventually, another half will do something out of sheer boredom. Then you’ll fill an Excel spreadsheet (or a Word report, whatever) with half-lies based on their results and feed it to your bosses as a “work well done”. Problem solved!
- …especially with your superiors. You know why you’re in your position, right? Because you’re a convenient, useless sycophant, who never stands for his subjects before the higher authorities. So puff your cheeks as much as you’d like to in front of your supposed team, but when it’s time to meet your bosses and discuss your team’s problems, be as meek as a sheep. This simple advice will guarantee you a lifelong employment!
- Act like one, but only in your personal interests. Suppose you have a project that is going to bring you, and you alone, immediate gains. Now it’s time to be the boss. So redirect the others’ efforts towards this project; this will be a huge waste of their time, which will maybe harm them in some way, but you’re the only one who really matters. And the less they’re in a position to say no to you, the better.
- Generate new tasks constantly… Agree to undertake as many different simultaneous new projects as possible. Who cares that your team can’t handle the ongoing tasks already? Who cares that there’s 24 hours in a day, and not all of them are supposed to be working hours? You have a team! Everything’s possible with a team! Everything…
- …but create no common ones. The fewer people work on the same project, the better. This is what’s called “specializing”. Different people are for different projects, not for different tasks, for god’s sake! Besides, the fewer common projects the team members have, the more dispensible they are.
- Don’t discuss the money. Never discuss the money. Who on earth wants to know in advance how much, when, whether and on what condition he will get paid? Nobody. And everybody likes surprises. Let’s make every paycheck a surprise!
- In fact, don’t discuss anything. After all, if they don’t know a first thing about the team’s prospects and your decision making, they’ll have no basis for criticizing the decisions.
If you’re just another employee
- Act as if you’re the boss. Nuff said. Don’t ask - order people around! Then maybe someone’ll notice and make you the boss. Besides, if your colleagues don’t like being given orders, why aren’t they the bosses already?
- There’s nobody else but you, right? Right. Suppose there’s a shared resource (e.g., equipment) that everyone needs. Occupy it 24/7. Suppose there are two shared resources. Occupy them both, you need them more than the other guy. Wait, but you don’t really need them both at the same time. Maybe you can wait half a day so as to occupy only one of them? Pfft, what a silly idea! Take it all, and let them worry about their lack of resources.
- Don’t work harder, work smarter. And you know what the smartest way of working is? Right! Not working! Instead of actually working, spend time maintaining an appearance of an extremely overworked workaholic, and voila! You’ve got all the time in the world, and everybody wonders at how much you work (wink). In the end, somebody will have to do your work for you, or have to suffer from your inefficiency if their work depends on yours, but why do you care? You’re the princess of the universe!
The universal advice
- Make empty promises, especially those uncalled for. Promise to help someone and then don’t even try. Or even better: ask a colleague whether he needs your help only when you know that in this particular case you can’t help him much, so that he will politely reject your offer but register the attempt. Better still: promise to pay someone and then don’t even try. This one is the ultimate teammaker.
- Pretend your team is a one big happy family. Hypocrisy power on! We’re all here in the same boat, the captain, the crew, the first- and third-class passengers, and the rats in the cargo hold, so let’s pretend we have the same goals, priorities and troubles. Oh, the lower-deck latrine is leaking? That’s probably because the first mate ate so many oysters with champagne that his shite has clogged the pipes. Poor feller! Imagine how he suffers! Now fly away with your silly little troubles; our life is tough too, see? We’re in this to-ge-ther!
By the way
By the way, a couple of weeks ago the time came to pull the plug on my teaching experience. Well, that’s for the better; as it happens, nobody really needs me as a lecturer here, and I’m certainly well-off enough to not continue being an extracurriculum substitute teacher on the cheap. Good riddance! My only regret is that I haven’t found enough time to complete the half-a-course website. This is basically the only part of the process that brought me some fun. I’m sorry to drop it, even if for the time being, but right now I’m so overworked that I have neither time nor energy 🙁. Even this very post was actually started some 2 months ago…